Apparently you make a good broom.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
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I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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