Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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