I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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