I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
