turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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