Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
