Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
two words...techno handjob
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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