Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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