bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
