Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
