I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
