His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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