Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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