I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
