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• (301): View more from Maryland

  Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

  (760): View more from California

  You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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• (254): View more from Texas

  I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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• (845): View more from New York

  He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  Sensing a theme here

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  If alcoholism is a theme, yes.

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up

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