In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
