people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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