I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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