saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
