I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
