im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
