I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
