I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
