The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
