i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
