Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My ATM looks so different sober.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
