My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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