You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
