So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
