mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
