Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
