Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
