She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
