Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
