i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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