Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
