good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize