These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
