Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
