I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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