So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
