So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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