does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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