my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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