My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
