I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
