i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
