Sponge bath it is.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
