Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
