Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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