We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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