Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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