I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
