You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
A+ Viking dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
