so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
