Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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