My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Can Purell be used as lube?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
